Job Postings & Wordsmithery

"We work closely together and put in startup hours, so you must be a team player!"


"The perfect candidate will thrive on the prospect of taking on huge challenges and will “move the needle” by driving programs through feats of flawless execution."


"5 Reasons to Work with Us:

No. 1 - Get paid for giving a shit"


"Whatever it takes" attitude and motivation to do whatever necessary to assist in closing a deal"


"Strong problem solving skills, ability to analyze complex multivariate problems and use a systematic approach to gain quick resolution, often under duress"

Lawdy Lawdy, Miz Roz

Diana Ross shows that it's possible to look sexy while eating ribs. 

Tiptoeing Through The Tulips

"I'm writing this thing about a  housewife with a sick child and a window washer"

"What happens?"

"Nothing happens. It's about sexual chemistry. You know, finding a strange man in overalls inside your living quarters, one that scales buildings and all that."

"Why is he in the house? Is he washing the windows from the inside?"

"No, you buttock. She left the balcony door open and he came in to tell her that her apartment will be flooded if she doesn't close it. Things go from there"

"Why doesn't he just fucking close the door himself and complete the job he was hired to do?"

"Because he's Mike and that's what Mike does."

"Okay, okay. So Mikey gets in the house, then what happens?"

"I don't know how to represent their mutual attraction without adding a whole bunch of narrative type of text. Like, the housewife subtly checks out Mikey's wedding ring finger and sees that he has one, but that only makes him more attractive to her. How the fuck do I represent a thing like that in writing?"

"You don't have to be so literal about it. You could, for example, write that she sets down the child that she's carrying in its playpen while she's talking with Mike."

"Okay, so like, sub-consciously she's freeing herself up for a boning"

"Something like that. Or they could talk about something banal, like the drought, but the conversation is awkward"

"Drought as an allegory for a lack of sexy time. How original!"

"Original enough for your hackneyed plot. Maybe video is your medium"

"There is no plot, you dillhole. And yes, maybe video"

Another Quote

"To define a thing is to substitute the definition for the thing itself"

-Georges Braque

The Five Hindrances

Setting: Dining hall of a zen temple.
Players: He, She, Others & the Zen Master

The serious students with shaved heads are conversing about kindness while eating the last of their lentils. Soon they'll march out with their plates & water cups & tea cups. He, as usual, arrives early for whatever is about to happen in the dining hall. If he shows up at all, you can be assured that he'll be on time. He stares at things; thirty minutes pass.

Zen Master: Let's try an exercise today. Pair up.

He & She make eye contact. A silent agreement is reached.

Zen Master: I'll give you a question. One person asks, the other answers in a sentence or two. Keep asking until I bang a gong.

She: You wanna go first?
He: Okay

Zen Master: First question - What do you want?

She: What do you want?
He: To be home
She: What do you want?
He: To eat a burger
She: What do you want?
He: To stop fucking intellectualizing everything. lol j/k
She: What do you want?
He: To be loved

Zen Master: *gong* Reverse! Go!

He: What do you want?
She: To be mindful
He: What do you want?
She: To be connected
He: What do you want?
She: To be healthy. *whispers* I have some health problems
He: What do you want?
She: To ...this is a bit embarrassing...to find the true love for me

Zen Master: *gong* Next question is What stirs up negativity?

She: What stirs up negativity?
He: Watching a grown ass man eat a cheese plate at a fucking cafe' while working
She: What stirs up negativity?
He: The past
She: What stirs up negativity?
He: Being inconsistent

Zen Master: *gong* Reverse!

He: What stirs up negativity?
She: Other people not doing my bidding
He: What stirs up negativity?
She: Next question
He: What stirs up negativity?
She: everything & everybody

Zen Master: *gong* Next question is - What tires you out?

She: What tires you out?
He: Leg day
She: What tires you out?
He: Work
She: What tires you out?
He: People who say "quick question" before asking something.

Zen Master: *gong* Reverse!

He: What tires you out?
She: Seeing old, negative patterns being repeated
He: Hail Hydra
She: Anger. Wha...?
He: What tires you out?
She: The thought of my parents dying

Zen Master: *gong* Next question is - What stirs up doubt?

She: What stirs up doubt?
He: Being inconsistent
She: What stirs up doubt?
He: everything
She: What stirs up doubt?
He: ...

Zen Master: *gong* Reverse!

He: What stirs up doubt?
She: Failure
He: What stirs up doubt?
She: Strangers
He: What stirs up doubt?
She: Being single

Zen Master: That's it. Hope you maggots learned something.